All Rights Preserved
by SpiderBlackwidow
Summary: First fanfic I ever wrote, originally on the DAFT Mailing List. An ordinary citizen defeats the Fearsome Five.


  
DW Fanfic 1: All Rights Preserved  
by SpiderBlackwidow (spiderblackwidow@hotmail.com)  
  
Teaser: An ordinary citizen defeats the Fearsome Five.  
  
The sun was just setting over the St. Canard skyline, after the usual sunny day. The ordinary nine-to-five worker was starting to head home, but the Quackenbush Funeral Parlor was fairly busy at all hours of the day. Emily Spider walked in the back door of the mortuary to start a long night's work.  
"Evening, Emily," said Jake Quackenbush, the director.  
"Hi, Mr. Quackenbush," Em answered back. "Just taking off?"  
Jake smiled. "Nah, I've got a bit of paperwork in my office yet. We have four new ones here, two are regulars, one's a reconstruct."  
"What about that last one?" Em asked. She was, after all, the head of cosmetics and facial reconstruction.  
"Closed casket," Jake said.  
Em grinned. "Wimps."  
"That one's pretty bad," Jake said, then looking directly at her, "Even you couldn't fix it."  
"Oh, well," Em sighed. "Gotta get to work, I guess."  
"Yep, me too."  
Emily clocked in, then went to her table. The reconstruct was set out already, and she had to create a whole new beak. She went to work, warming up some wax and applying it carefully. Em was tapped on the shoulder, and when she turned around she saw that she was being addressed by a banana with a falsetto voice.  
"Excuse me," the banana said, "but could you please direct us to Jake Quackenbush's office?"  
Em looked up to see five figures standing behind the grinning fruit. "Circus must be in town," she thought, and said, "Mr. Quackenbush would be upstairs and two doors to the right." To emphasize, she pointed to the exit.  
"Much obliged," the banana said, and the figures disappeared one by one.  
Em worked for a moment longer, then stopped, deep in thought. She tried hard to remember something her grandmother had told her as a child. What was it? Oh. "Never trust a talking banana," she said to herself. "Go figure."  
***  
  
Jake Quackenbush was in his office as he had said earlier, doing paperwork. Actually, it was more like seeing if he could get any paperwork done with the TV on. He heard a tap on the glass door, looked up and saw the silhouette of a ... banana? No, couldn't be. "Come in," he called.  
The door opened, and a gruff voice said, "Hello, Jake. We were just in the neighborhood, YOUR neighborhood, and we noticed that your 'protection' payment was overdue..."  
Jake looked up, a bit shocked. The voice belonged to Negaduck.  
Negaduck smiled as congenially as possible and continued, "...and we just stopped by to collect."  
Jake looked up at the Fearsome Five, and tried to be calm. "Sure, fellas," he said, "How much do I owe you?" He smiled. Not a real smile, but the cheesy grin a person gets when they're about to cry.  
Quackerjack pulled out a calculator and stared at it. "How the heck do you work this thing?"  
Megavolt grabbed it saying, "Gimme that, bozo." He started punching buttons. "Let's see... that's a five thousand dollar payment....plus another five grand for a late fee... comes out to ten thousand dollars." He turned the calculator around for Jake to examine.  
Jake sputtered, "What? You think I carry this kind of money around? I'll have to pull it out of the bank, and they're closed! What am I supposed to do?"  
Negaduck pretended to think. "Well... you could get the money tomorrow, and come back and pay us." He paused, as Jake started looking hopeful. "Nah, how about if you go home and sleep in your nice, warm bed, and we take a hostage....just so nothing funny happens."  
"Hostage?" Jake looked more worried than ever.  
"Oh, sure," Negaduck said. "Call it insurance. So, Jakey, who's here tonight?"  
"Well, it's been kind of a slow week," Jake wavered. "Em's here tonight, no one else has arrived yet."  
"Hmmm. Well, you run along home now, Jake, and we'll see you and ten thousand dollars in the morning. Don't worry about Em, we'll take good care of her as long as you have the cash," said Negaduck. He and the others left, walking down the narrow staircase. Jake followed them.  
"Uh, Negaduck," he called, "May I speak to Em?"  
Negaduck glared at him. "Last words?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
Jake swallowed hard. "Just letting her know the arrangements."  
"Whatever."  
  
***  
Jake practically ran into the embalming room. "Emily, there's a matter of grave importance I should speak with you about."  
"So...speak," said Em.   
"You see those guys over there?" Jake pointed to the Fearsome Five. Quackerjack waved.  
Em waved back to him. "Yeah, the talking banana guys," she commented.  
"The talking banana..." Jake shook his head. "They're the Fearsome Five, and they're going to be, ah, keeping you company while you work."  
Negaduck pulled a revolver and pointed it at a fly on the ceiling. He shot at it and missed, but seemed to be quite pleased with the gaping hole the exploding shell left.  
"You mean keeping me hostage."  
Jake sighed. "Yes. But if I give them ten grand, you can leave right on time in the morning."  
"Why not write a check, I turn in my two weeks' notice and we both get a good night's sleep?" Em asked.  
Jake had lost his patience. "Because the check would bounce like yesterday's meatballs!" he shouted.  
Em, a bit shocked, could only mouth "Oh."  
With that, Jake Quackenbush turned and left, not seeing the rude gesture that Emily had just flipped him.  
Megavolt spoke first. "So, Auntie Em. Where's Uncle Henry?"  
Em wasn't quite sure how to respond, so she decided to test them. "On a date with your mom," she replied casually.  
Megavolt pulled his ray gun from its holster, only to have his arm pushed down forcibly by Negaduck. "Does the word 'hostage' mean anything to you, Sparky?" he hissed.   
Em sat down and decided not to say any more if she could help it.  
  
***  
  
The silence got uncomfortable after a while, so Emily tried to work on the reconstruction. She didn't get very far before the scalpel was yanked out of her hand.  
"What's this?" questioned Negaduck. "A knife?"  
"A scalpel," sighed Em.  
"I don't think so," he growled, and threw it into the drain in the sink.  
Just then, a voice through a megaphone boomed from outside. "Come out with your hands up! The building is surrounded!"  
Negaduck peeked through the curtain. "That's our cue," he muttered, nodding to Quackerjack. Quackerjack pushed Em's arms behind her back, held a pistol to her head and forced her through the front door.  
Em looked and saw about twenty squad cars, ten motorcycles, and fifty police officers ready to open fire. "They've got a hostage!" an officer yelled.  
"I'm sure we can work this out," said another. "Come quietly, and we'll think of something."  
Quackerjack held the pistol to her temple and squeezed the trigger. A flag saying "BANG!" popped out of it.  
Megavolt leaned in and whispered, "You always carry that at the worst times, you know."  
Before Quackerjack could respond, Em stomped on his foot, whirled around, and delivered a series of swift punches and kicks, knocking him down. She then turned around and the butt of a shotgun came from nowhere and hit the back of her head. She spun 180 degrees on her heel, and fell backwards. Negaduck was holding the shotgun, she saw, and she fell unconscious.  
Negaduck grabbed her ankle, grinned at the shocked police, and dragged her back in.  
  
***  
  
Emily woke up on an embalming table with the barrel of a shotgun shoved on her face. "Just try it again," growled Negaduck, "and you'll be embalmed...ALIVE!"  
Em shoved the barrel aside. "Fine," she sighed. She got off the table and went to make coffee. The phone rang, and she turned to get it. She was headed off by the Liquidator.  
"Fearsome Five Mortuary... we put the FUN in funeral!" he shouted into the phone.  
"It's me," Jake said meekly. "Put Emily on."  
The Liquidator pretended to look around. "Emily who? She must be the one behind door number three!"  
"Give me that," Em grumbled. "What?" she said into the phone.  
"It's me, Em," Jake almost whispered. "What is today?"  
"Is this a trick question? It's Friday."  
Jake sighed. "I was afraid of that. The banks are closed on weekends."  
Em muttered a string of curses. "Isn't there something you could do?" she continued when she ran out of four-letter words.  
"Nothing," he said. "What's happening there?"  
"Well, if you wait about, oh, say twenty-four hours, there could be a fatality..." she said sheepishly, hoping to worry him. It didn't work.  
"Hang in there, Tiger," he said, "and do whatever they say." He didn't have to sound so dang chipper about it. "By the way, I heard a great joke this morning..." Em hung up on him. She went back to the coffee maker. "Looks like we're in for the long haul," she said. "The banks are closed on weekends." She paused. "Who wants coffee?"  
"I do," said Megavolt. Em poured some into a red mug and handed it to him.  
"Here you go..." Should she, or shouldn't she? "...Sparky."  
Megavolt practically roared and pulled out the ray gun again. He began firing in Em's direction. She had managed to successfully dodge the electricity, when she noticed that he was getting a little close to the bottles of formaldehyde. "Stop," she called. "Truce." Megavolt stopped waving the ray gun around and looked confused. "I'm sorry," Em told him and continued. "I haven't exactly been the model hostage. I'd like to call a truce." She then pointed to the gallon jugs. "Besides, this stuff's flammable!"  
"Okay..." said Megavolt, still looking bewildered. He looked around. "Hey, where'd Negaduck go?"  
Em looked at Mr. Bananabrain. "Oh, man, not the banana again..." she thought to herself.  
Quackerjack was talking through Mr. Bananabrain. "Oh, well he just went to Jake's office to sulk about being here for the weekend," he said.  
Em went to Jake's office and rapped on the door. "What?!" Negaduck shouted.  
She opened the door slightly and peeked around the corner. "Just seeing if you wanted some coffee..." she said, weakly.  
Negaduck thought about it. "No," he said finally, "but I do want all of this hostage nonsense over with before Sunday."  
Em spoke without thinking. "Going to church?" she asked.  
Negaduck looked like he was about to explode. "KISS MY--"  
Em slammed the office door shut. "I think I'll pass, thank-you-very-much."  
  
***  
  
When Emily walked into the embalming room again, she noticed that the Liquidator, Bushroot, Quackerjack and Megavolt were looking at a catalog. They were comparing caskets.  
"I kinda like that one," Bushroot said, pointing to one made of Macassar ebony. "That is, I would, if it wasn't made from a tree."  
Liquidator examined another one. "The coffin that says something about a man!" he exclaimed.  
"It doesn't say much about you, though," Quackerjack said thoughtfully. "You need one that says...fish tank."  
"Attend your own funeral, courtesy of... the Liquidator!" Liquidator shouted, attacking Quackerjack with a sledgehammer fashioned out of water.   
"Ack! Watch it with the water, you walking puddle!" shouted Megavolt.  
"Guys, guys! Stop the fighting!" shouted Bushroot, only to be attacked by Quackerjack.  
Emily escaped the mayhem unnoticed.  
  
***  
  
Negaduck stomped down the stairs, and into the embalming room. "SHUT UP, YOU IMBECILES!" he shouted. The Liquidator, Megavolt, Quackerjack and Bushroot instantly froze. "Where's the girl?" he asked, a little more calmly.  
They mumbled amongst themselves for a minute, then Quackerjack said, "We don't know." "We thought she was with you," he added, through Mr. Bananabrain.  
"Then I suppose you'd better go find her," Negaduck said. When they didn't move, he shouted, "NOW!"  
The rest of the Fearsome Five scrambled in all different directions. The Liquidator went into the sitting room, Bushroot into the parlor, and Quackerjack and Megavolt went into the chapel.   
In the chapel, a few minutes later, Quackerjack said, "Well, that's it. We've looked everywhere."  
Megavolt looked up front, where a large casket sat, surrounded by flowers. "No, we haven't."  
Quackerjack looked at the casket. "I'm not looking in there," he said, cringing.  
"Well, I'm not looking in there," said Megavolt. "You're the weird one, you look in there."  
"I'm not! You look in there!"  
"No, you!"  
"You!"  
Just then, from outside the chapel, the Liquidator called, "Ah, an open window! Recommended by nine out of ten escapees!"  
Negaduck and the others ran into the sitting room. "She can't have gotten too far. We'll go outside and split up." They ran out the front door, voices sounding outside. "Cripes! I left my shotgun in the creep's office!" "Negaduck, we should have enough firepower without it." "Yeah, I still have my revolver and chainsaw. You, go that way, you check the perimeter, and you search through the woods!" Footsteps running away.  
The coffin lid opened, and Emily sat up. She jumped out, and lifted the pile of flowers underneath it. "Sorry," she whispered to whomever she'd displaced. Em then turned and ran up to Jake's office.  
The office was dark, but she didn't turn the lights on, for fear of getting someone's attention. Instead, she pulled out the penlight she often used for checking detail on reconstruction.  
Em gasped as she looked around. There were all sorts of weapons stacked here, including a case of TNT. "Geez, he left an arsenal in here, and he's worried about his shotgun?" She shook her head, grabbed the shotgun and looked out the office window. There was no one there, so she opened the window and climbed onto the roof. She heard footsteps, and saw Megavolt, carefully checking all around the mortuary. "Hey!" she yelled.  
He stopped and looked at the roof, only to see her cock the shotgun and fire one barrel. The shell missed by inches. She fired again, the shell kicking up dust at the tip of Megavolt's boot. "Uh-oh," she said. Em had neglected to grab extra shells.  
Megavolt grinned, and raised his ray gun. The first bolt hit the eave of the roof, missing Emily completely. The second would have been on target, if Em hadn't moved and narrowly missed sliding off the roof. The bolt hit the television antenna instead, which wasn't grounded. The current traveled through the twin-lead wire, and the small TV in Jake's office exploded, as well as the black-and-white in the embalming room.   
Megavolt raised his gun, and had her in sight again, this time with nowhere to run. Em watched, then was a bit shocked to see him lower it. He was still grinning though, at a strange flickering coming from Jake's office. She hung upside down from the guttering, so she could peer into the window, and saw the papers that had caught fire from the ruined TV, the flames spreading to the weapons Negaduck had left...and the case of TNT. She ran to the other end of the roof, intending to jump, but was knocked off instead, when the fire in the embalming room melted the dozens of bottles of formaldehyde and ignited their contents. There was a brief floating sensation, then she fell into the bushes along the side of the building.  
Emily was dazed for a second, then did a quick self-check. Nothing was broken, so she took off running toward the police cars parked in front of the funeral home. She stopped instantly, though, right in front of Negaduck, who smiled evilly and cocked the revolver.  
The other members of the Fearsome Five came running. The TNT exploded, the shockwave knocking them all down.   
Em sat up, and was just gathering her wits, when the preserved bodies that were in the funeral home ignited and took off like rockets, as if in some demonic Fourth of July celebration. They sailed as far as the Audubon Bay, and splashed into the water.   
Emily ran to the cops, and collided with Jake, who was irate because that mortuary had been in his family for three generations.  
"How did this happen?" he snarled at her, as if it were completely her fault.   
Emily just smiled, shook her head and walked away, watching as the Fearsome Five were taken into custody and locked in a paddywagon. The Liquidator stuck his head out the back and called to her.  
"Emily Spider! You've just single-handedly defeated the Fearsome Five, destroyed your place of employment, and ticked off your boss! What are you going to do next?"  
Emily thought about it for a second, then replied, "I'm going to go home and decide what sort of job I could get with the reference he's going to give me." She jerked her thumb in Jake's direction, then hopped on her motorcycle and sped home.  
***  
  
Epilogue  
  
The Fearsome Five went to prison that morning, and escaped at half past noon. That puts their combined total sentences at seven thousand, four hundred eighty-seven years in prison, plus ten hours community service.  
Negaduck at one point was asked by the (late) reporter Tom Lockjaw if he'd ever consider revenge on Emily Spider. A hand grenade was his reply.  
Jake Quackenbush, Owner/Director of the former Quackenbush Funeral Home, was sued by the families of the four "customers" of his mortuary. The "customers" were dredged out of the Audubon Bay and given a proper burial.  
Emily Spider is living happily in a four bedroom house, and is now a successful artist of comic books, who keeps her doors and windows locked at all times.  
  
  
  
  
  
All characters, except Emily Spider and Jake Quackenbush, are copyright (c) Disney, and are used without permission. Emily Spider and Jake Quackenbush are characters written and drawn by Bonnie Davis. Please, Please, PLEASE reprint with author's consent and with no changes to the original text. First posted to the DAFT Hatchlings Mailing List. http://www.angelfire.com/in/bjdavis/index.html  
  



End file.
